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Source: Madame Secretary - episonde 2, season 2015, on CBS
Extracted from the full video at this location at about 36 minutes viewing time.
You may have noticed the use of I and you in many of the examples.
There are two kinds of I and you messages that can be communicated with the use of I and You:
I and you messages can be used to blame, hurt, and humiliate. This use will often increase, rather than decrease, unacceptable behavior. It can cause resentment, escalate conflict, and is a roadblock to communication.
Ginott (1972) asserted, you statements can be worded and used effectively to respond to a child's situation, complaint, or request to help them deal with their feelings and gain strength to cope with life. This kind of you message opens dialogue. The format:
Use you (understand) messages to keep the focus on student's feelings and student selected solutions. Use I (understand) messages when students own a problem. Together they create the foundations for what Ginott (1972) referred to as congruent communication.
See also information on questioning strategies
Suggestions for use:
Example of use: Most of us like to win. A positive statement to say in this particular situation would be: "You like to win". Then wait for their response. Normally winning is not a problem, but when we want to win so bad that we go to extremes to win at any cost, then we can create problems for others and our selves. If we lecture a person on fair play, sportsmanship, and winning they may listen and learn. More likely they listen and hear what Charlie Brown hears when his teacher talks. "Waaa Waa Waaa Waa Waaa." Resulting in a lecture not conversation. The student is waiting for the last word so they can escape.
If we use a positive statement, "You like to win." They probably will say yes. Then the teacher listens, uses halt time and sees what the person may follow up with.
With a bit of luck they may continue with a statement like, "I know but I don't always."
That keeps the conversation going and what follows could lead to some insight and personal growth.
Sample positive statements:
Praise is meant to control a student externally by the person giving the praise.
Students who become dependent on others for praise become very good at finding what the person they want the praise from wants, and giving it to them, to receive the praise. Making them codependent.
The purpose of the game becomes discovering how to please others. This does not mean it is not good to please other people some time. However, it can become a problem when a person places too much of their energy into pleasing other people at the expense of their own well being. These people become pleasers and approval junkies who are totally dependent on the opinion of others.
Other children rebel against praise. They do not want to or they believe that they can't achieve at the level of others' expectations. Therefore, they will not attempt a task they are not confident at completing with superior results or enter into a competition with anyone they see as more competent.
The long-term effect of praise is - dependence on others.
Praise can be general or specific.
With the hope that Marty will continue the good work the teacher says: Congratulations! Fantastic work, Marty!
Again the hope is Bob will continue to come to class and work. The teacher says: "Bob, when you come into class and worked as you did yesterday, you were able to do very good work."
The difference is that Bob has been told more specifically what it was he did that is worthy of the praise.
Praise is a form of external control that makes students dependent on teachers or others. Reliance on creating dependency is a way to control students that desire approval from others. Students' positive responses provide the teacher a false sense of accomplishment and feeling of power.
Activity - Stargirl passage with questions
Reflective listening is also known as parallel talk, parroting, and paraphrasing.
It can be used to:
Ideas for reflection come from listening, observing, and interpreting verbal and nonverbal cues as the listener tries to walk in the shoes of the speaker.
Ideas can be:
When you listen reflectively you express your:
A reflective response lets you communicate to a person what you perceive they are doing, feeling, and saying and why they are choosing their behaviors. It is impossible to be the other person and your best understanding is only a reasonable approximation. Be open-minded and cautious. Consider all ideas as tentative since our best understanding will always be limited because of the uniqueness of all people.
Use reflective listening is to open communication.
To restate what the student states is different than repeating student's answers in class. Dialogs of this nature will be in private, is done to check what is being communicated and for the purpose of understanding the student. Example:
Student: Why do you always pick on me. Others do stuff and you don't yell at them.
Educator: I pick on you and not on the other students. (Said as a statement not a question) or
Educator: I single you out when there is an interruption more than the other students.
Suggestions to use reflective statements to express what you believe students are saying:
Sample phrases for when you think your perceptions are accurate.
Phrases to use when you have difficulty understanding.
Support and more statements are used to support something the person has done or believes in to motivate them to to set a goal(s), create a plan, and implement it to achieve their goal (the more).
You did good yesterday and today until now. Lets talk about what caused you to get upset and see what other strategy you could use next time.
Look at all you have done. All you need to do is a bit more. Avoid the use of: but and however.
You want to get your driver's license, buy a camper and travel. That will take money. People make money by working. Will having a high school diploma help you achieve your goals quicker?
You do good solving problems in mathematics. Look at this as just another problem to solve. You can solve it any way you want as long as it doesn't create a problem for anyone else in the world.
All of the following responses are detrimental to communication.
Responses that question, reassure, support, praise, criticize, blame, disagree, agree, warn, order, give advise, are humorous, name-call, shame, moralize, and sympathize.
All of these responses have one or more of the following effects that shut down communication: